No one told me that once my son was born I would go crazy. Not in the sense of the postpartum experience. I mean literally as a parent I feel lost and confused all the time. Am I giving him the right experiences? Am I exposing him to the wrong people? When I left him with my mom for two hours so I could take a nap, was that a type of neglect? If I am not over worrying that everything I do will damage him in adulthood, I am overly proud and emotional about all the things he does.
The other day my son, P.J., discovered his shadow. He was standing in the middle of my bed staring at the wall. He pointed and said, “Look Ma.” Of course I had no idea what he was referring to; there was nothing on the wall, not even a crack. Then he says, “Friend.” I look again and he is making hand signals and playing with his shadow. I smiled and said, “Oh your shadow.” He then turned to and introduced himself. “Hello P.J. Shadow, I’m P.J.” It was so cute I almost cried and then I wanted to call all of my friends and tell them.
Before I had a child of my own I always envied others who had children. They seemed so happy when they were with there kids. Now I know personally that all parents are a little insane. How else can you explain this?
I had been sleep deprived because P.J. was up all night for no reason. I got to work late because my car didn’t start. P.J. played with my car keys. Popped my trunk and that tiny light being on all night killed my battery. When I got to work I had the day from Hell, I really was not feeling Ford Motor Co, that day. I came home to find crumbs all over the floor. All of P.J.’s pajamas pulled out of his drawers. Something sticky was on my sheets. Go Diego, Go was blasting on the television. And my child decided to leave his pants and underwear by the potty in order to streak through the house. I was exhausted and irritated. I read The Cat in the Hat, twice. I watched Diego. I sang along with Barney and when my son made friends with his shadow I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I got to see this wonderfully wild little kid discover something. This is what I mean by craziness. I know it is normal for parents to love their kids and feel those surges of pride when they’ve discovered something for the first time. Like watching your baby takes their first steps. This was a little over kill for me. I got teary eyed. I wanted to call all 75 people in my cell phone and tell them how cute this was. That is not a sane reaction.
I had no room to think about me having a bad day. At the end of everything P.J. had had a great day. That was what mattered most to me. Becoming a parent changed everything for me. Even when I feel I am doing all of it wrong, I am incapable of doing anything other than loving my child. It’s completely staggering to realize that the chaos of raising a child is the most rewarding, amazing, and blissful experience in the world.
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