Standing Still

Last Friday my car cut off on me while I was driving home from work. My first instinct was to start my car back up and call my mechanic when I got home. My car had other ideals of how this would play out. Not only did "Max," my 99 Saturn, not start back up but my mechanic didn't answer his phone. I was sitting by the side of the road, 2 miles from home, with no way of getting out of this predicament.

Eventually my mechanic answered his phone,my car started and I was able to get home. The next day, after having Max checked out I was told I needed a new engine. I racked my brain trying to figure an alternate solution.

Now for most the quick fix is to invest in a new car. I can't. Not only do I not have the funds but literally I am not able to purchase a car. Think about everything one would need to purchase a car and conclude that I don't possess any of it.
I know the big question is how did I get myself to this point? Just trying to make it. That's the simple and complicated truth.
So many thing added up to play out in this messed up situation. Hind sight is always 20/20.

I now am faced with starting over. I find comfort in knowing that I am able to start over. I am here and with each day I'm am gifted I am blessed with the opportunity of achieving something great.

First Heart Break

The first time I was kissed by a boy, I was caught off guard. I guess the way he snuck up behind me tapped me on my shoulder and then gently kissed me when I turned around was sort of romantic. I didn't feel butterflies, however. I was curious about the things everyone had always told me and why I didn't seem to be experiencing any of the explosive fireworks or funny flutters in my stomach. Life taught me later that I just wasn't that into him.

In the summer of '98 at sixteen I fell in love for the first time. He was older by 2 years and he had a sad beginning that he was able to overcome. He was easy to fall for. I lost my virginity because we were getting married one day, so it didn't matter if we waited. He left me for a older woman, she was in her twenties, and he married her. I was hurt. I had given him something I could never get back. My innocence. I did not regret sharing my body with him because I did it in love. The drama involved in that type of break up at such a young age set the stage for my relationships for the next 10 years.

If I wasn't ignoring asshole tendencies, because I refused to let my past experience cloud my judgment, then I was believing that the good men were to good to be true so I pushed them away. I told myself not to get angry it was something wrong with them, not me. I treated myself like there was something wrong with me by settling for less that I ever dreamed of.

Getting back on track I recently decided to keep it simple. I borrowed something from a youth minister from my childhood. He gave us the task of writing a list of everything we would look for in the perfect mate. He said pray on it an God would take care of the rest. At the time I was too young to know the genius in this. Not that God was the perfect alternative to match.com. It was the list. How could I know what I was looking for if I did know what I wanted? So I made a list. I included the things I am looking for and the things I am not willing to tolerate. I has been a year now. No, I'm not married but I'm not a stressed out or over eager dater anymore either. It helps to keep me focused and I have gotten back to enjoying meeting new people.

Its hard to walk a way with the positive when the experience is bad but its much more rewarding than living with the negative.