Connections

Finding some one to be attracted to is not hard if you're looking. Its not too hard if you can just see for that matter. If you look around you long enough at least two or three times any given day, men and women see people who turn their heads. Catch their attention. Turn them on. The problem is not lack of physically appealing people in the world. The issue is how do you stay attracted to a person and build that attraction into something more? How do you make a lasting connection? With all the eHarmony and Match.com businesses booming, people are not just looking for flings for life. Some people are but this article is not about them. People for the most part want to connect on a deeper level with some one and share a life together. Out side of a internet site that will show you your possible soul mate along with a “why this person is perfect for you” profile, how are people supposed to know if the alluring person across the room is right for them? The answer is old-fashioned patience and learning. People have got to want to talk to each other. Learn if they have things in common. Do some commonly liked activities together and get to know each other. In today's fast paced world, it seems people are running out of patience. It is no longer uncommon to sleep with a person on the first date. If you match well in bed then why ruin a good thing? Why learn anything more beyond the bedroom experience? If people would take a step back and enjoy the physical attraction with out rushing it to the bedroom, maybe the bedroom experience would last longer. There is nothing worst than sleeping with some one for a while, the sex being spectacular of course, and then finding out once it is too late (i.e. you have a child with them) you have nothing in common. Even worst you find out you do not even like each other. As children, we all have our fantasies about what it will be like to be an adult. As teenagers, with our hormones raging, it is impossible not to be overwhelmed with curiosity about sex. They never taught in health class that a person could spend years sleeping with multiple people, forming life long connections through children or shared disease and never experience a real connection. How little do we value our selves in this society that the person we lay down with does not matter as long as they turn us on? Finding a good person and building a strong relationship is not easy. If people just slow down a little, most times the wait is worth it.

For the last few moths my life has been going through roller coaster like changes:
1. I had to quit my job.
2. My Aunt died.
3. My best friend got married.
4. My birth mother had a stroke.
5. The man in my life turned perfect.
6. My Mom got a social life.
7. I learned to be happy with just being at home with my son.

At 28 years old I have no idea what I want to do. However I am looking forward to what will happen next.

Thanks for Ambushing Me With Your Opinion

Today I was given an opinion of my behavior by a close friend. Because this particular friend did not like my personal choice she offered up her thoughts. At this point in my life I am well aware of the choices that I make for myself. I don't always do what others think I should but being a responsible adult I consider the consequences of my actions.

My son was gone for the week and I had been up watching TV since 5am. At 7am I had breakfast and at 9:30am I had a 12 oz MGD. Shocking behavior I know. I had nothing to do that day and it was left over from a party we had the previous night. I drank it as early as I did because of what happened on my birthday 2009:
I had gone to Vegas for my 28th birthday and my plan was to get up and go to sleep with drinks and food. It never happened. I had such a busy itinerary that I was lucky to drink at all that weekend.
I know it seems like the commentary of a person with a serious alcohol problem. However, this was just one of those things that I had heard people do when the are young and have that kind of energy to party and I wanted to be able to say I knew what it was like.

Getting back to my 9am beer. I had one. I did not get drunk. I did not got out driving. I stayed in the privacy of my home and I watched movies until I went to sleep. My friend told me that, "it was not healthy," and that as a friend she had to share that with me. Her tone implied that "healthy" referred to me joining a 12 step program.

I wanted to try something and I did. I will not be taking part in this activity again for sometime. Now I can say been there done that. I do not require the judgement of a friend to make that call.

In Memory of My Dad

I woke up this mornig saddened by the fact that I would not be seeing my Father on this Father's Day. It has not been a year since he passed away. I still have those day's were I go to call him, to check on him, only to realize that he's no longer there. I miss him and the Holidays really do make it harder. I cherished my time with my Dad daily but Father's Day was always a time for me and my siblings to get together and honor him. I woke up this mornig with no fancy plans in the works to wow my dad. It made me sad. I can visit his grave and share my memories of him with my family, but it's not the same. He will nevver say, " you guys don't have to do anything special for me," or roll his eyes at a a useless but fun gift again. I miss my Father. I miss his laughter and the off rythem dance moves of his. I am comforted in knowing that my Dad is in a place where he does not have to suffer anymore or worry about his children. I am comforted in knowing that my Dad loved me and knew how much we loved him. I will always miss him. He was a great dad I was blessed to have him.

I Plead the Fifth...

I am not talking to the man in my life. And though it might sound emotionally erratic and petty I have a right to remain silent and I am choosing to do so.
It started out with me not knowing how to express myself. I was going through some emotional confusion. I was torn up about flirting outside of my relationship. It was harmless internet flirting on the surface but the fantasies that arose from some of the conversation had me feeling like I was in the midst of a bigger betrayal. I did not want to feel like I had betrayed my Man, but I didn’t know if I should talk to him about it and if so how.
Days went by and the silence I chose to exercise proved to be a sound decision. I had stopped thinking about the “flirt,” and was focused on my Man and the great thing we had together. Simultaneously in the course of these few days, life decided to get a little rough for me.
I had tried to gather my thoughts and when I no longer could find my center on my own I turned to my partner for some support. I did not ask him to fix my problems. I expected him to be there, if only to listen. I needed to feel like we could communicate if nothing else.
He listened. He gave no encouraging words of comfort, not even a, “it will be okay.” I asked him what he thought might make him happy in the future. He said he did not know. I said he should have a vague ideal of something that he wanted, in the future. He said, “I don’t know.”
Now I am not talking to the man in my life because I feel like there is no point. If he can’t communicate, even vaguely, then I don’t see why I need to interact with him at all right now. I rely on being able to talk with my mate to get through problems. It’s this interaction that’s intimate for me. What is left when this is gone?

Standing Still

Last Friday my car cut off on me while I was driving home from work. My first instinct was to start my car back up and call my mechanic when I got home. My car had other ideals of how this would play out. Not only did "Max," my 99 Saturn, not start back up but my mechanic didn't answer his phone. I was sitting by the side of the road, 2 miles from home, with no way of getting out of this predicament.

Eventually my mechanic answered his phone,my car started and I was able to get home. The next day, after having Max checked out I was told I needed a new engine. I racked my brain trying to figure an alternate solution.

Now for most the quick fix is to invest in a new car. I can't. Not only do I not have the funds but literally I am not able to purchase a car. Think about everything one would need to purchase a car and conclude that I don't possess any of it.
I know the big question is how did I get myself to this point? Just trying to make it. That's the simple and complicated truth.
So many thing added up to play out in this messed up situation. Hind sight is always 20/20.

I now am faced with starting over. I find comfort in knowing that I am able to start over. I am here and with each day I'm am gifted I am blessed with the opportunity of achieving something great.

Moving Forward and Looking Beyond

So recently I realize that I have regressed and reverted back to my old ways. I am not taking care of business diligently. Just doing what needs to be done at the last minute so that it's finally taken care of. I find myself in a situation where I am unhappy with where I am at this point in my life and for some reason I can't seem to change it fast enough. I am not learning the lesson of patience well.

If the first step is admitting the problem then I guess I'm ready for the next one.
Here's to putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my faith that something better lays in the near future.