The first time I was kissed by a boy, I was caught off guard. I guess the way he snuck up behind me tapped me on my shoulder and then gently kissed me when I turned around was sort of romantic. I didn't feel butterflies, however. I was curious about the things everyone had always told me and why I didn't seem to be experiencing any of the explosive fireworks or funny flutters in my stomach. Life taught me later that I just wasn't that into him.
In the summer of '98 at sixteen I fell in love for the first time. He was older by 2 years and he had a sad beginning that he was able to overcome. He was easy to fall for. I lost my virginity because we were getting married one day, so it didn't matter if we waited. He left me for a older woman, she was in her twenties, and he married her. I was hurt. I had given him something I could never get back. My innocence. I did not regret sharing my body with him because I did it in love. The drama involved in that type of break up at such a young age set the stage for my relationships for the next 10 years.
If I wasn't ignoring asshole tendencies, because I refused to let my past experience cloud my judgment, then I was believing that the good men were to good to be true so I pushed them away. I told myself not to get angry it was something wrong with them, not me. I treated myself like there was something wrong with me by settling for less that I ever dreamed of.
Getting back on track I recently decided to keep it simple. I borrowed something from a youth minister from my childhood. He gave us the task of writing a list of everything we would look for in the perfect mate. He said pray on it an God would take care of the rest. At the time I was too young to know the genius in this. Not that God was the perfect alternative to match.com. It was the list. How could I know what I was looking for if I did know what I wanted? So I made a list. I included the things I am looking for and the things I am not willing to tolerate. I has been a year now. No, I'm not married but I'm not a stressed out or over eager dater anymore either. It helps to keep me focused and I have gotten back to enjoying meeting new people.
Its hard to walk a way with the positive when the experience is bad but its much more rewarding than living with the negative.
